Is It Arguing or a Sign of Verbal Abuse? How to Tell the Difference

Do you and your partner argue often? We’re not talking about playful banter but real, heated fights. When you argue, does it feel like your partner is attacking you verbally? Do they call you names or frequently tell you to be quiet?

Everyone has bad days, but if you are experiencing this level of argument often, then you might be a victim of verbal and emotional abuse.

Emotional and verbal abuse often manifests through insults, humiliation, and manipulation, which ultimately leads the victim to feel trapped. Victims of verbal abuse might even believe their abuser’s words and suffer from damaged self-esteem.

Sign of Verbal Abuse #1: Reacting vs. Responding

When you and your partner argue, does your partner react to you instead of responding to what you say? Although it may seem like there isn’t much difference between responding and reacting, they are distinctly different.

Think of reacting in terms of the knee-jerk response you experience at the doctor’s office: When the doctor taps your knee, your lower leg moves.

Responding implies more intention and thought. When you respond to something, you are being deliberate.

Now, think of this in terms of your partner. Do they blow up when you disagree? Is their reaction to situations often over-the-top? If the answer is yes, then you might be a victim of verbal abuse.

Sign of Verbal Abuse #2: Verbal Bullying

Bullying is a word that many people connect to middle school, but this kind of verbal and emotional abuse is more common than many realize. Bullying can happen online in social media comment sections. It can occur between college roommates. And, it also can happen in your own home and close relationships.

You might remember some of the qualities of bullying behavior from school:

• Name-calling: This might include hurtful words, insults, put-downs, and personal attacks.
• Hurtful Jokes: Inappropriate or hurtful jokes made at another’s expense.
• Sabotage: Trying to destroy or minimize someone else’s accomplishments.
• Bossiness: Constantly telling someone what they should do.
• Threats: A promise to inflict pain, injury, or damage if someone doesn’t do what is asked.

Bullying behavior isn’t something you should tolerate in any situation, especially in your own home and relationships.

Sign of Verbal Abuse #3: The Constant Critic

Another sign of verbal abuse that goes hand-in-hand with bullying is constant criticism.

You might feel that no matter what you do, it’s never right. Whether cooking a meal or performing a household chore, it’s never enough. Your partner’s criticism may spill over into your professional life as well. No accomplishment is good enough, in fact, when presented to an abusive partner, your achievements feel small and nonexistent.

Having to face constant criticism from an abusive person is not only hard, it’s discouraging.

Sign of Verbal Abuse #4: Hurtful Words

Another sign of verbal abuse is abusive anger, which is often shown through sudden and angry verbal attacks and hurtful words.

This is when your partner screams and yells at you or tells you to “shut up.” Being told to shut up is not just unkind; it’s a not-so-subtle way of telling you that your perspective and opinion aren’t wanted or appreciated. Often, abusers might deflect blame by saying it was “just a joke” to minimize the impact of their hurtful words.

This kind of gaslighting behavior shouldn’t be normalized.

Sign of Verbal Abuse #5: Never Knowing What Might Happen

Feeling like you’re not sure what might happen next makes you feel constantly uneasy and disoriented.

If you are always wondering when the next blowup will occur, you might be a victim of verbal abuse. Feeling as if you have to tread lightly around your partner and living in a constant state of fear means that you never feel emotionally safe with your partner.

The silent treatment can contribute to this atmosphere of fear and insecurity. Like big angry reactions, the silent treatment can contribute to your partner’s control.

Sign of Verbal Abuse #6: Feeling Like You Are Being Controlled

Do you ever feel like your partner is trying to control everything you do? That’s because verbal abuse is a form of control. A healthy relationship should be based on respect and love, not who has control. Some of these controlling warning signs may include:

• Being told where and when you can or cannot go.
• Feeling like you have to check in with your partner.
• Feeling as if you cannot make decisions without your partner’s permission.

Recognizing that you are in a relationship that involves emotional manipulation, hurtful behavior, and verbal abuse is crucial. It is vital to stop verbal abuse as it can escalate into other forms of abuse if left unchecked.

Arguing is not, by itself, a sign of verbal abuse. Every couple argues. But fights are abusive when they consistently turn toward personal attacks and attempts to control the other person.

No one deserves to be a victim of emotional and verbal abuse. At Integrated Counseling and Wellness, we strive to help our clients strengthen themselves and their relationships. We offer one-on-one counseling as well as couples counseling and family therapy. If you believe you are suffering in a verbally abusive relationship, contact our office immediately. Our certified counselors and therapists can help you get the care and support you need.